Saturday, November 14, 2015


I live in an almost constant state of fractured awareness 
My sadness and lonely heart my only company
And tonight like many other nights I am up with my thoughts. My only companions sitting on my bed watching my tears 
Waiting for them to well in the corners of my eyes and fall
Searing pathways from my lashes
And burning their way to stain my pillowcase
I take showers at night.
To soothe an aching soul. To have water wash away insecurities
To drench sweat stained lies
And to drown out loud screams from an injured spirit 
My sense of self is keen. So sharply drawn that looking at myself gives me a headache
My belly hurts
And every time I walk past a mirror I retch under stressed duress. 
Vomit bile, gag on seeming truth sand deal with the very real limitations of a broken soul. 
I live in shatters. Walking on the shards left of my soul needing to move forward. Because I have been told I can't stand still. But walking hurts. Living hurts. And every single day there is more of me left behind on these sharp angry tatters.
I live for the sinews
For the muscles and bones
For the torn away 
...for the half mended
For the hollow laugh
And the heavy tears 

Saturday, October 24, 2015


And so
I leave this declaration of disgust on a page
Never to be uttered, never to fall again from my frustrated thoughts. 
I will bleed anguished distress
Sew up my wounds and place decorative Tattoos over the scars.
I have fallen out of favor
From the blissful grace of despondent ignorance 
I am all too aware of how much it hurts to "love"
Not to be graced with a mothers love.
Or to have your father see you with pride and joy.
Not to have a child's face light up when you call and ask about their day. 
Not the freedom and light from accomplishment 
But "love"
And devoid of color. 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

To you

You are what hurts me most.
What I bleed, what I cry,what I gasp and hold on to.
You are the solemnity
I cannot be happy for you, because I am no more than a gaping mass
Black hole, carrying a heavy absence that painfully, weakly mimics living. 
There is nothing in me that wants to reward you. 
I want to crawl into myself
Unto my aches, and die within them. Constant suffocating. Tortuous longing. I give them up, give them away
I let go, because you are what hurts me in arcane ways. 
Salt covered paper cuts, lime juice drenched bullet wounds, I constantly search and glean for what is left of me. 
But I gave the "more" away, gave it all away. As I give you away now .... Because you
You hurt me the best

Disney... Ruined My Tolerance for Non-Prince Charmings

"You're the best thing I never knew I needed"
-The Princess and The Frog

When I was a little girl I had a love... rather an unhealthy obsession with all things Disney. I had every doll... well ok, not every doll, but every other doll was must. I had the books, sang the soundtrack in the shower, I was a Disney princess dammit. I wanted to live in the magic of technicolor worlds, with flawless bouncy hair, a killer waist to hip ratio, and most of all musical breaks in the midst of the drama of my life.
When that weird-looking boy made fun of me and I cried, there were no violins, no sad notes played in a minor key.
There was just me. Five foot Seven, ten-year old me.
Then came the Madness... Adolescence...
Aided by the nightmare of being nothing like a princess, looking nothing like the girls who were succeeding, and having no prince who wanted to come along an help "validate" me, I grew into an abusive relationship with all things Disney.
Aladdin was still awesome. Every single movie I watched resonated with the magic and charm I discovered in my youth, but they simultaneously left a bitter taste in my mouth

I am currently finding myself conflicted.
do I continue to pursue a prince charming, facing the tragedy of not being able to find one, as no princess was ever from NYC, who was 6ft tall and a size 12-14?
do i let go of the ideal
Or do I attempt to modify it. Use my life lived in the arms of Disney as a parable, and lesson I need to learn as a child to give me dreamers wings to cope with adulthood.. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Inspired: Valerie Hegarty

Valerie Hegarty’s Art
New York based artist Valerie Hegarty's newest body of work has taken on mind bending dimensions. Each piece is artfully destroyed altered by circumstances that are relevant to the subject matter of the painting. 
Some of the works have been eaten away by time, natural disaster, fire and water. Others have been eaten away by the "nature" they are surrounded by. 

see more of this work on the Stylepantry page,

Monday, February 24, 2014

Late nights are the best nights

"No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness"
And truer words have never been spoken to me. I am odd... but that is what makes me more than beautiful, I am a spectacular display. Human fireworks that light up the sky

Saturday, February 8, 2014


I am currently undergoing a growth spurt. Painful, down to the bones, for the first time in my life I really don't know what to do with myself
Even here in this blog, I write, share feelings, share art work and words, and it seemed to come to no fruition
I like art, sometimes think I could be good at it, but I am currently standing in front of a wall I don't know how to climb.
and with so many people around me standing atop this mountainous wall, I am growing angry and resentful at no one being willing to help.
not asking for anything more than a guiding hand, as this Jill of all trades truly doesn't know where my place is
or if there even is one
I want for so many things, want to be and accomplish soooo many things
so many in fact that i am getting lost in the tidal waves of wants
and I am getting lost.. so if anyone ever finds this message in a bottle...
what would you do